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Stress and stress management: grown-ups

Stress is a normal reaction to changes and challenges, like those that come with being a parent. Some stress can be healthy, but too much can be overwhelming. If stress is an issue for you, it’s good to know some stress management techniques.

Stress: what you need to know

Stress is a normal part of life, something that everybody experiences.

Some stress can be helpful, giving you the motivation and focus to face challenges and get things done.

But too much stress can be overwhelming, making it difficult to cope with everyday tasks. If you have too much stress, you might end up getting sick or not being able to look after your children and enjoy everyday family life.

What causes stress?

Changes in your life, even positive ones, can be stressful, especially if you think you can’t cope. For example, having a baby is a life-changing – and stressful – event for many people.

Feeling uncertain, not having control over your environment, and having too much to do and not enough time to do it are also big causes of stress. It’s easy to see how a new baby might create this kind of stress in your life, or a toddler who has public tantrums, or a teenage child who’s pushing the boundaries.

And then there are the everyday hassles – for example, getting yourself and the children out the door and off to school and work on time. 

Signs that you might be stressed

If you’re stressed, your body will probably let you know. In a stressful moment, your heart rate might go up, your breathing might get faster, and your muscles might tense up.

Sometimes these short-term stress reactions can actually help you deal with stressful situations. For example, they might give you the adrenaline rush you need to get to the bus on time.

But if you keep going at this speed, your body will get exhausted. You might end up with headaches, sleep problems, digestive problems or the feeling that you just can’t cope. This obviously isn’t good for your health and wellbeing.

So it’s important to watch out for signs of stress. You might be stressed if you’re:

  • worrying about absolutely everything
  • drinking too much alcohol, smoking or using drugs
  • finding it hard to be tolerant with your partner or children
  • having trouble sleeping 
  • not feeling well – perhaps you have headaches or other aches and pains
  • not wanting to get out of bed in the morning
  • having thoughts like ‘I’m never going to get out of this mess’
  • feeling that you’re not managing practical everyday things, like family routines and finances.

Simple stress management tips

Get to know what makes you stressed
If you know what your stress triggers are, it can be easier to deal with stress. You might be able to avoid stressful situations, or prepare yourself. A useful exercise is to write down what makes you feel stressed.

For example, your child crying for a long time might be very stressful for you. If it’s important for you to be on time, you might find it stressful when you can see the clock ticking but your children are moving slowly. If you love a clean and tidy house but no longer have one, this could be stressful.

Positive thinking and self-talk
Unhelpful thinking makes it harder to deal with stressful things – for example, in a stressful situation you might think, ‘What’s wrong with me? I can’t get things together’ or ‘I’m a loser’.

But you can change unhelpful thinking into realistic helpful thinking and positive self-talk, which are good ways to deal with stress. They increase your positive feelings and therefore your ability to cope with stressful situations.

To put realistic thinking and self-talk into action, try the following:

  • Challenge unhelpful thoughts about things that cause you stress. For example, your child cries in the supermarket. You think, ‘Everyone will think I’m a bad parent’. But you could ask yourself, ‘How do I know that people will think this?’, ‘Would I think this about someone else?’ or ‘What can I do to deal with this problem?’.
  • Be realistic about what you can do. For example, it might be too much to expect your child never to cry in the supermarket. But perhaps you could change the situation so the crying is less likely to happen. Would your child cry less if you went shopping at a different time of day, perhaps after he’s had a nap?
  • Develop positive self-talk statements that help you. For example, you could say to yourself, ‘The shopping won’t take much longer – I can get through it’, ‘People are minding their own business – they’re not looking at us’, ‘Who cares what other people think?’, ‘I can do this’ or ‘I will stay calm’.
  • Know your limits and choose your battles. If you feel irritated or find an experience overwhelming it might be best to try to avoid the source of stress if possible. For example, try online shopping if supermarket shopping is too hard for you and your child. 
The more you practise positive self-talk, the more automatic it will become in your life. Start practising in one situation that causes you stress, and then move on to another one.

Focus on what’s essential
Stress often means you’re trying to do too much, so try setting realistic goals for your day. You could also avoid taking on more than you can handle.

Making a plan and having some family routines can help you feel more on top of things and take your stress down a notch or two.

And if you have some large tasks to deal with, they might be more manageable if you break them down into smaller chunks. You might also think about asking for some help from family or friends.

Stay connected with others
Talking things over with your partner or a friend can help you keep things in perspective. If you find it hard to talk, you could try using a diary to record your thoughts and feelings.

Spending some time with friends can be a real help too. Even meeting for a quick coffee can be enough, because sharing worries can help you feel supported and better able to cope.

If you have limited time, connecting with other parents through online parent forums or even emailing friends can help you stay in touch with like-minded people.

Make physical and emotional health a priority
Avoid stimulants like cigarettes and caffeine and depressants like alcohol if you can.

Look after your physical health by eating well, getting some exercise, and making time for rest. Sometimes a brisk walk around the block or a quick nap can change your mood.

If you find it hard to get to sleep, don’t watch television, check your emails or use social media before going to bed. If you’re lying awake at night, get out of bed and read something non-stimulating until you feel sleepy. You could also try doing some guided meditation to help you relax. Then go back to bed and try getting back to sleep. If stress or worry about a problem is keeping you up, it might be useful to write down your worries and look at them the next day.

If you’re working long hours, think about whether there are ways you could cut down or make work more flexible.

It can be easy to forget time for yourself. Make a list of things that you enjoy, whether that’s reading magazines, watching television, gardening, shopping and so on. Try to do one thing on the list every day, or every couple of days, and especially on the weekend. Having fun with your partner and family might also be on your list.

Be aware that you might not be able to ‘give to others’ if you’re under stress yourself. It’s important to give to yourself at these times. This might mean that you need to slow down your social life for a while.

Part of making time for yourself might be learning to say no. If you find this hard, you could look into an assertiveness course. Assertiveness courses can help you with techniques to set boundaries and say no without feeling guilty. Search online to find local or online courses.

Humour does wonders to melt away stress. Seeing the funny side of things will make you feel much better. Smiling and laughing is one of the best relaxation techniques, and enjoying yourself can really help your stress levels. Try talking with a friend who makes you laugh, or watching a funny TV show. Did you know that you can’t feel anxious while you’re experiencing joy?

If stress continues

If you’re still feeling very stressed every day, it might be helpful to talk to a health professional. You could start by seeing your GP, who can help you make a plan for managing stress. This might include referring you to another heath professional for some specialist support.

Stress is often the result of trouble with time management or other problems. Working out what the issues are with a professional and looking at solutions can be a big help.

You can find more stress management techniques in our articles on breathing, muscle relaxation and mindfulness. You can also search online for stress management and relaxation apps, books, CDs, YouTube videos and so on.  

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Last updated or reviewed
23-03-2017

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Raising Children Network is supported by the Australian Government. Member organisations are the Parenting Research Centre and the Murdoch Childrens Research Institute with The Royal Children’s Hospital Centre for Community Child Health.

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